I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do...

We had to write a personal assesment of our sence of callin in Youth Minsrty for my Theology and Philosophy of Youth Ministry class. It was good for me to put into writing how lost I am:

Having come from a background in several different kinds of churches with
varying viewpoints, perspectives, methods, and approaches to ministry, I believe
that God has well prepared me with a wider perspective to integrate all that
I’ve learned and rejected. Lately I’ve had major doubts as to what God wants for
me. Ever since I was in eighth grade I have talked of becoming a Youth Pastor
and sharing the beautiful message of hope, love, forgiveness, and peace with
kids. But lately I’ve wondered, “is that really what I’m gifted for?”


I am passionate about the study scripture and the teaching of scripture.
I’ve been part of churches that have approached the scriptures in all different
ways. I am also passionate about theology. Theology, when it transcends words
and seeps into our daily lifestyle, is a beautifully important thing. But do
kids even think this way? Can a kid in the seventh grade grasp predestination or
freewill let alone how those things are lived out? Can kids think abstractly at
all as freshmen in high school? Does my passion fit into youth ministry? These
have been haunting questions in my mind
recently.


I have a tendency to distance myself from people who are dealing with tragedy or
deep seeded issues. I firmly believe that ministries’ highest calling is to
enter the darkest places of peoples lives and shine light. I believe the task of
ministry is to be engaged and involved in a loving way with the deep seeded
issues that people are carrying with them. I, despite my concern distance myself
from these things because I do not feel fit to deal with them because I myself
am dealing with the same things. I think this may come from a distorted concept
of who a “minister” is supposed to be. I understand that pastors and youth
pastors don’t have to be perfect but I do not understand how they are to help
others with problems that they share with them. I often find myself listening to
people and having no answer for them and being sad that I cannot help them. I
try to simply “be there” for people.


Where I feel gifted at making difficult concepts available to people and showing
people how theology applies to their every day life I feel insufficiently
equipped for the most important task of Youth Ministry. I am afraid of becoming
someone who talks a lot but never does
anything.


My plan is to listen a lot more. I want to listen to people more than I talk to
them and I want to listen to God in the same way. My prayer is that through
listening I can grow toward a better understanding of what God wants for me and
a better strength to help people reach freedom from the things that bind them.
My highest ambition is to bring light into the darkest places and life into the
dead places in peoples lives through the healing power of Jesus.